The Height of Dishonour
by Book girl fan
Summary: There's a spy inside the order, and James is no longer willing to hold his friends in question.


"Whatever job he's doing, it's destroying him!" Sirius hissed. "He's barely slept since the last full moon!"

James frowned. "But Sirius, that was three weeks–" His breath caught. "Oh, Moony."

"Why didn't you bring him with you, then?" Lily demanded. "You know he's always welcome here, both of you. At least then he'd be safe for a night! And a lot longer, if I can manage it."

Sirius stood abruptly, hands going to his hair, getting tangled in the long black strands. "You don't think I wanted to? You think I didn't try? But he keeps going off, not coming back for days–" He collapsed back onto the couch, head hidden behind his hands. "Pete thinks he's the traitor," he said, voice muffled. "I don't know what to do."

James and Lily couldn't speak.

"It almost makes sense, doesn't it?" Sirius continued, voice horribly empty. "He's out at strange times, he won't tell me where he's going or what he's doing, he won't spend time with us, and he always looks guilty. Like he's doing something he knows we'll hate." His voice dropped. "Like he's spilling our secrets to You Know Who."

Lily finally found her voice. "No." She shook her head, brushing away angry tears. "No. Not Remus. I won't believe it."

"But what if it is?" Sirius still sounded hollow, hair fallen around his face, hiding him from view.

"But what if it's not?" James rubbed his back comfortingly. "We know our Moony better than that, and Peter should too. We can't doubt each other. I trust you, and Pete, and Remus, and Lils. You'd never betray us, none of you. Whoever the traitor is, it's not one of us."

Sirius finally sat upright, pushing his hair back with a sniffle that neither James or Lily teased him for. "Alright. So if it isn't... that, what is Remus doing?"

They sat quietly for a moment, firelight flickering across their faces. In these dark times, they all had things that had kept them away from home, all had actions they had later felt guilt for.

"Every time he sees me he looks sick," Sirius said quietly, breaking the silence. "If he's not the traitor... what have _I_ done?"

James suddenly stood, grabbing his wand. "No. We can't keep going like this. We need to trust each other, not have these endless secrets." He stalked over to the fireplace. "I'm getting Remus and Peter, and we're having this out right now. No one leaving until we can trust each other again."

"Might take a long time." Despite her words, Lily sat up straighter.

"It'll be worth it," James said firmly.

"Wormtail's on a mission. Won't be back until tomorrow," Sirius glumly volunteered, the spark of hope briefly ignited leaving his eyes once more. "Remus will probably be gone again by then."

James hesitated, looking torn, then grabbed a handful of Floo Powder. "Then he'll have to join us later. We can't wait any longer. Death Eaters are breathing down all our necks, and if we don't trust each other, we're all going to end up dead."

James dropped the powder and disappeared in a flash of light, leaving Lily and Sirius behind to think on the many friends for whom James' words had come too late.

A few minutes later, Remus came through the fireplace, followed by James, and the accuracy of Sirius' earlier worries was immediately obvious. Remus looked exhausted, with deep bags under his eyes, and the careful economy of movement of one who knows they have not slept enough and does not think they will be sleeping again soon. Still, he managed to muster up a tired smile. "Hi, Lily. Sirius." Apparently exhaustion had worn away his normal reserve, as he continued, "Why are we here?"

"Because we are doing something, and it needs all four of us." With one hand on his back, James firmly steered him across the room, pushing him into an armchair. "Sit down before you fall over, Moony. It should be five, really, we wanted Pete here as well, but he's still gone, and we need to do this now."

Remus sunk into the armchair, eyes closing for a moment before reopening wide in forced wakefulness. "What do we need to do now?"

James retook his place on the couch, pushing Sirius' arm aside. "Budge up, mate. I was only gone a minute. We need to talk, Remus."

Remus paled. "Does it have to be tonight?"

Sirius scowled, blinking rapidly, and dropped his head again, hiding behind his hair.

James grabbed his hand, eyes still on Remus. "Yeah, it does. We need to get this traitor thing sorted out."

If possible, Remus was even paler now. His eyes flicked over to Sirius. "What if you find out something you don't want to?"

"I don't believe it's any of us. And anything else, we can handle together." He looked at Lily over Sirius' head, giving her a quick smile. She smiled back, smaller but equally determined.

"But what if it was one of us?" Remus looked like he was about to be sick, but still kept speaking. "What if it's someone you trust, and then you find out they've been lying this whole time? Wouldn't it be better not to know?"

"It would be better to know now and face it, then find out when someone's dead." Lily's voice was steady as she looked at Remus.

Remus avoided her gaze, staring at his shoes. His eyes flicked up towards James, words coming out like each one took more effort than he could spare. "What if it was Sirius?"

"What have I done?" Sirius demanded, head shooting up.

"You're always watching me!" Remus burst out. "And every time I leave, you look like you have a secret you want to share, but you never do!" He turned away, muttering, "Maybe Peter was right..."

"I'm watching because I'm worried, Remus!" Sirius shouted back. "You never talk to me anymore! You're always off on a mission somewhere, or at least that's what you say you're doing! If you're the traitor, just say so! And if you're not, what are these missions you're always on?"

"I can't tell you!" Remus closed his eyes, taking in a deep but unsteady breath. "I'm not the traitor, but I can't prove it. I can't tell you about my missions. I want to." He locked gazes with Sirius. "I really do. But I can't." He looked away again. "If that means you can't trust me, that's okay." He stood up, walking towards the fireplace.

"Remus, wait–"

"Can you tell us _why_ you can't tell us?" Lily's voice cut across James', stopping Remus in his tracks.

Remus looked anxious for a moment, then slowly nodded. "I think I can tell you that. My missions come from Dumbledore, and he made me swear I wouldn't tell anyone. It would be too dangerous, for me and for the Order. No one can know what I'm doing. Not even you." He glanced around the room, addressing it to all of them.

"We believe you," Lily told him.

"Of course we do," James leant over Sirius, pressing a kiss into Lily's dark red hair. "But I am still worried about these missions you're going on. We're still going to talk about that."

Remus' gaze turned to Sirius. The two locked eyes for a long moment. Finally, Sirius' lips nudged upwards. "We believe you, Moony. I should never have doubted you."

Remus ducked his head down, a flush spreading over his cheeks. "I shouldn't have doubted you either."

The momentary silence was broken by James declaring with a smile, "Alright, now that we know everyone here is trustworthy, which, I'll remind you, I told you was the case, Moony can tell us about his missions."

Remus looked up at him, startled. "What? No, I told you, I can't talk about them."

"Sure you can!" Sirius, looking happier than he had in months, hooked his head over James' shoulder, the two of them grinning at Remus. "We're all trustworthy, and we can keep a secret. Tell us!"

Remus shook his head firmly. "No. I won't tell you anything."

"If Remus can't tell us, stop pushing," Lily interrupted. "He said it was for the safety of the Order."

Sirius' smile turned dark. "And what about his safety?"

"I'm still right here, you know," Remus muttered.

Sirius ignored him. "Because anything that has our Moony missing for weeks at a time, then come back looking like he hasn't slept or eaten for any of it, and, more often than not, with new scars that he won't explain, doesn't really seem like it's much concerned with his safety!"

"We all have our missions, Sirius," Remus said, eyes blazing. "I'm not worse off than anyone else; all of us have had missions where we didn't have time to sleep, or came back with a few new scars!"

"But no one else has come back from a mission with their side torn open, half dead from blood loss, then had St Mungo's refuse to help because they're a werewolf!" Sirius shouted, straining out of his seat, ignoring the shocked looks of Lily and James at his sides. "You nearly died, Remus!"

"But I didn't, did I?"

"But I thought you would! I thought you were already dead! And then you were barely home for a week before you were gone again!"

"Why didn't you tell us, Remus?" James asked. "You know we would have done something."

"I couldn't, I–"

"Don't you know how much it hurts to see you throw yourself out there again and again, and you don't get anything for it?" Sirius was still shouting, ignoring all of Remus' protests. "The three of us are at least trained for this, you just keep going anyway! It's actually painful every time you leave for a mission now, because I know at any moment you might come back hurt, or even dead, and I don't even know what you're doing!"

"We all have missions!" Remus looked between them all, on edge and stuck somewhere between angry and confused. "Why does it matter so much how dangerous it is on mine?"

"Because we love you, you idiot!"

"Then stop!" They all froze for a moment, stunned.

"It doesn't work like that, Remus," Lily said, voice gentle. The firelight caught on her hair, making her eyes soft. "It will always hurt to see you like this. Love never just stops."

Remus blinked at her, eyes wide. "But–"

James' arm around his shoulder cut off his feeble protests. "We're going to win this war, Remus," James said, pulling him closer, dragging him down until they collapsed onto the couch together, James' arm still around his neck. "But I won't let us lose each other trying."

Remus was still. "Okay," he said finally. "Alright then."

For a long moment, none of them moved, too caught up in each other, the feeling of being surrounded by those you love. The fire crackled softly. A log shifted, sending a flurry of sparks into the air. They continued to breathe, curled up together on the couch, as warmed by each others' presence as much as by the fire.

Finally, when the fire was beginning to burn low, James moved, letting his arm fall from Remus' shoulders. "How is someone as skinny as you this heavy, Moony?" With a clever twist, James managed to retrieve his wand from his pocket and set the fire blazing again.

"It's a bit weird, isn't it?" Sirius asked, leaning back further so Lily could pet his hair. "Doing this without Pete?"

"Pete's been gone a lot though, lately," James reminded him. "Nearly as much as Remus."

Remus lifted his head, already half-asleep from the combination of warmth and exhaustion. "Hmm?"

"Remus," Lily said slowly. "What were you saying about Peter earlier? What was he right about?"

Remus flushed, not looking at any of them, a difficult proposition considering how close they all were. "Pete was saying something about Sirius, and how sometimes he gets a bit carried away, and," he glanced over to Sirius then away again, lowering his voice, "about how hard it would be to fight against all your family. I thought - I'm sorry, Sirius, I thought you might be the traitor."

"Peter said that?" Sirius asked, a strange note in his voice.

Remus shook his head, fringe falling over his eyes. "Not exactly. He never said it straight out, it was just a feeling I got. It was probably just me, I was so worried about you, and how you kept watching me, and looking secretively. I probably just took it the wrong way."

Lily turned to Sirius. "What did you say about Peter earlier, before Remus got here?"

"I said… I said Peter thought Remus was the traitor." Sirius' hand snuck into Remus', squeezing it hard. "I should have trusted you, Moony. You never would."

Remus didn't respond. "Peter thought I was the traitor? Wormtail?" All traces of sleep had fallen from him now as he looked between his friends, trying to find some sign they had been mistaken. His gaze turned to Lily. "Lil?" he choked out.

Lily looked sadly back at him. "I'm sorry, Remus. It just makes sense."

"What does?" James struggled upright. "You don't think... but Remus is Pete's best friend, why would Pete try and make us think Remus was the traitor?"

"Because he's a rat," Sirius growled. Sirius and Peter had never been as close to each other as they were to the other two, and leaving school had only made that more obvious. "He's a dirty, traitorous, lying–" Sirius cut himself off, falling towards Remus to hug him tightly. "I should have trusted you," he muttered into Remus' robes.

"We don't know it was Pete," James argued, seeming to not even notice his arm sliding around Remus and Sirius' embrace, drawing the three of them even closer together. "We're all suspicious of everyone these days, maybe we're reading too much into it. I mean, it's Peter! He's been our friend since first year! He wouldn't turn traitor, not more than any of us would."

"Maybe not willingly," Remus murmured. He shifted closer towards James and Sirius, but looked at Lily as he asked, "What if it was Imperius?"

Lily drew a shocked breath, then let it out slowly. "He wouldn't be the first."

"A spy inside the Order..." James' free arm reached out to Lily, drawing her into their embrace. "Poor Pete."

"How long might this have been going on without us noticing? How did we not see it before?" Remus pulled slightly away from the others. "I should have seen something."

"You haven't been here, Remus." Sirius' remark, which once would have been filled with bitterness and worry, was now soft, a release from responsibility. "It's not your fault. None of us suspected anything."

"I still should have seen something!" Remus protested, but he allowed himself to be drawn back into the group huddle.

Lily placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, her fingers brushing against the curly hair at his neck. "At least if it's an Imperius, we can do something. Tomorrow we can invite Peter over, break the spell."

"If Dumbledore will let us," Sirius muttered darkly. "He might just decide Wormy is another person he can _use_ and not let us break it. Keep Pete as an unwilling spy."

"No." James' voice was strong and confident, the force of it pulling the others closer as much as the sudden tightening of his arms. "I don't think Dumbledore would do that, and even if he would, it doesn't matter. Peter is a Marauder, and we look after our own. Pete is not a Death Eater. We're going to save him. Agreed?"

He leant back slightly, moving until he could look each of them in the eyes.

One by one, they nodded.

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."


End file.
